Last Wednesday my husband and I celebrated our 42nd wedding anniversary with a lovely dinner at the local Club. It was great to reminisce about the day and to compare our memories of this momentous occasion in our lives.
What I most remember is the joyful anticipation of starting our new lives together and being passionately in love with this handsome man. I felt so secure in our relationship and my expectations were nothing less than that this would be a “perfect” marriage.
Well of course that is not the way life works! The rhythm of life includes ebbs and flows, ups and downs, joys and difficulties, and marriage is not exempt from that.
Thankfully our marriage was and is built on mutual respect and love for one another and a knowing that no matter what, we are good together.
Despite having that awareness there were times when I was deeply angry, resentful, frustrated and hurt. Sometimes in my humanness, I only wanted to focus on what was wrong with my partner and ignore my own flaws and issues.
Amazingly, when I chose to focus on what was wrong, I only got more of the same!!!
A dear mentor of mine once gave me a tool that I would like to share with you. Its something you can use to re-shape your perspective of a relationship that seems to be struggling.
When you are stuck in the same old rut of seeing only that which is wrong – STOP.
Take time to meditate on everything you can think of that is right about this person and write it all down. Now sometimes, when the going is really tough in a relationship, it might mean that you can only think of how well they tie their shoelaces or take the trash out.
But the more the focus is on what is right the more the rightful things pop up. Until eventually you have turned the tide and moved into a place of deep gratitude. And the bonus is that as you change, your partner changes too.
An example might go something like this:
I am so frustrated and resentful that his work ALWAYS (notice that insidious little word that leaves no room for other possibilities) comes before me.
Now change it to I am grateful that :
- He thanks me for making dinner almost every night.
- If he makes a cup of coffee, he asks if I would like one too.
- He takes the clothes off the line when I am home late, without my even asking
- He never leaves without kissing me goodbye.
You get the drift!
This exercise is translatable to any relationship and even to any situation where you have become bogged down in a quagmire of negativity. It is like throwing open the windows and letting in a breath of fresh air.
Studies have shown that positive emotions and operating from a place of peace within oneself can lead to a very different experience for the person emitting those emotions and for those around them.
There is real scientific evidence to prove that this exercise can and does work.
I know personally, because it has worked for me on many occasions.
From my heart to yours,
PS: Some scientific info for you………”A fundamental conclusion of the new physics also acknowledges that the observer creates the reality. As observers, we are personally involved with the creation of our own reality. Physicists are being forced to admit that the universe is a “mental” construction. Pioneering physicist Sir James Jeans wrote: “The stream of knowledge is heading toward a non-mechanical reality; the universe begins to look more like a great thought than like a great machine. Mind no longer appears to be an accidental intruder into the realm of matter, we ought rather hail it as the creator and governor of the realm of matter. (R. C. Henry, “The Mental Universe”; Nature 436:29, 2005)